Being a Mommy

Alright I have been contemplating this post for a long time but feel it is time to get it out!

I have wanted to have children for a long time. When we first found out we were pregnant with Dylan I was ecstatic, could have been a little better timing, but in the end it was perfect!! I felt like my dreams were coming true. And then you hold your baby for the first time and your heart just melts. I was his and he was mine and I couldn't wait for us to be together! The exact same was true for Brady. The feelings didn't diminish at all because he was baby number 2. It only intensified! It is amazing and a miracle that a heart can love so large and so freely.

But in becoming a mother so begins the endless stream of doubts. Did I handle that the right way? Oh why did I yell about that? Was that the best I could have done? Do I love my boys enough? Do I show them my love enough? Are they happy? Are they safe? The list goes on and on. And it is a list you don't think about until you have a beautiful bundle wrapped in your arms and around your heart! The most important question you ask and one I ask myself everyday is Am I doing the right things?

I worry that I handle every situation that comes up wrong. And after I am done with the situation I wonder how could I have handled it better. I always feel that I do the wrong things and say the wrong things. But as a mother you don't get a grade or someone telling you that yes that was the right thing to do or oh hell you screwed that one up. It is fly by the seat of your pants and hope for the best. It is hard to think that yes I have handled some things wrong. When those times happen I look back at them and think Oh my what did I just do? Do my boys still know that I love them?

I don't have all the answers but I am trying to figure them out as I go. I watch other mothers and see how they handle things and then try to see if they work for me. Being a mother is something that I have always wanted to excel at. It makes my heart ache to think I could be doing it wrong. I only want the best for my children and hope that I can give them my best in return. As the boys get older I find myself being harder on them and I worry if my firmness is too much, They are still my little boys but I want them to be my good little boys too. It is hard to find a balance in parenting. Am I being to soft or was that too hard? The questions and doubt have a way of nagging on my mind and I worry.

Ultimately time will only tell if I am being a good mother or not. And I can only hope that in that time I can come to a realization that I am doing the best I can and my best IS good enough for them and for me.